


A Private Matter

by christinchen



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Blow Jobs, Hair-pulling, M/M, POV Rodney McKay, Season/Series 01, Sex Addiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:28:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/christinchen/pseuds/christinchen
Summary: Rodney really, really just needs to find someone willing to let him blow them, and maybe pull his hair, just the right amount. Lucky for him, Major Sheppard is more than willing to help out. Once Rodney finally admits what his issue is.
Relationships: Rodney McKay/John Sheppard
Comments: 10
Kudos: 106





	A Private Matter

**Author's Note:**

> Note: This story contains wrong medical advice. Please speak to a professional!

Rodney had spent most of his adult life working in and for the U.S. military. He knew there were certain rules and while they might not technically currently apply to him, considering he was a civilian and Canadian, he also knew that breaking them wasn’t worth whatever the inevitable fallout would be. 

His work was important, groundbreaking even. He was the head of the science division of the Atlantis expedition, he was in charge of the most advanced research happening in two galaxies. And he wasn’t going to risk any of this just because his dick seemed to think it had the right to have needs too. 

Physiologically speaking, there shouldn’t be any reason why regularly jerking off wouldn’t be more than enough to satisfy any needs his body might have in that regard. And he was doing that. He was even going as far as to indulge in some fantasies. Which, in hindsight, was proving to be a mistake, since it seemed to somehow validate his body’s stupid, annoying need for sex. 

Rodney was perfectly willing to ignore it however, he would simply have to prove to his body who was the more stubborn out of the two of them. And if Rodney was one thing, it was stubborn. Sadly it seemed, so was his libido. And it was starting to affect his work. Which was not only  _ not okay _ , it was also right now the thing that was going to get him killed. 

“McKay,” Sheppard snapped for the second time in as many minutes, “Get you head in the game, seriously!”

“I’m trying,” he snapped back. And he was, he really was. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you today, damnit,” Sheppard ground out, before dragging him down by the back of his tac vest. Right, they were supposed to take cover, enemy fire and all that. Sheppard roughly groped through the pockets of Rodney’s vest before coming up with a magazine, forcefully reloading Rodney’s gun for him. Right, he was supposed to shoot back. 

“I can’t,” Rodney told him, “I’m not… I’m not okay right now.” He hoped the Major knew how much it cost him to admit that, but really there was no point in pretending anything else. 

“Are you hurt? Did you get shot?” Sheppard’s eyes flickered over his body, quickly taking stock, trying to find any injuries. And Rodney felt worse than before. His stupid, fucking body was once again letting him down, letting his team down. He was once again proving himself the weakest link. 

“No, I’m not hurt,” he admitted. “I’m just not in a state where I can be of any help right now. Especially with shooting things.” 

Sheppard only gave a sharp nod. “Stick close to me,” was the only thing he said. And Rodney could do that. He put his sole focus on Sheppard, staying right next to him, following his orders, staying out of the way. 

They finally got out of the ambush and managed to make contact with Teyla and Ford. 

“They’re fine too. They’re on their way to pick us up and we can get the hell off this planet,” Sheppard told him, letting himself fall down on the ground next to Rodney. 

“I’m sorry,” he offered because it seemed like the right thing to do. And really he was sorry, but mostly Rodney was angry at his body and his brain for betraying him like this. His body he could forgive but his brain not. His brain was supposed to be the reasonable part of him, the part he could control, the part that he  _ should  _ be able to control. But instead it was controlling him, making him want things that he should not want, making him lose focus in the middle of a crucial mission. 

“What the fuck happened, McKay?” Sheppard asked him, looking disapproving. Spacing out during a mission was bad, it was dangerous, Rodney was aware of that. It had been one of the things that they had gone over before he had been allowed to be part of the gate team. He remembered promising Sheppard that yes he was perfectly capable of concentrating and would not wander off just because some shiny ‘science thing’ caught his attention. 

“I’m sorry, okay?” he repeated. “I’ll deal with it. I promise it’ll be sorted as soon as possible.” He hoped Sheppard would let him get away with his vague excuse and wouldn’t demand further explanation. He really didn’t feel like having to explain that the reason he almost got killed was that he was horny. 

“I want you to get checked by Beckett as soon as we’re back,” Sheppard demanded. 

“I just told you: I’ll handle it. And it’s not even something that Carson could help with,” Rodney argued. “Well, technically he could, I suppose but really that’s not…” he trailed off awkwardly. He really needed to learn when to stop talking. 

“I’m taking you off active duty until you’re medically cleared,” Sheppard told him firmly. 

“It’s not a medical issue!” Rodney yelled outraged. “I just told you that. It’s... umm it’s a personal issue.”

“A personal issue?” Sheppard looked at him like he had gone crazy. And really, objectively speaking, Rodney didn’t have much room to disagree with that assessment. He had after all almost gotten shot because he had had a very vivid fantasy about sucking his team leader’s cock, while in the middle of an ambush. Really, it was completely Sheppard’s fault, Rodney decided. He had been the one who had put a hand on Rodney’s shoulder and had pushed him down to his knees right in front of him. It really wasn’t his fault that his response to that had been to really,  _ really _ want to lower that zipper of Sheppard’s BDU’s and suck his cock. He liked sucking cock, he missed sucking cock, missed the feeling of a hot, hard dick in his mouth, a hand gripping his head, pulling his hair. 

Rodney carefully shifted his legs to try and conceal the fact that his dick had once again taken too much interest in his thoughts and was now hard. 

“McKay? Rodney?” Sheppard had put a hand on his arm and was looking at him with worried eyes. “Hey, you spaced out completely again.”

“Sorry,” Rodney repeated again. He really was making his Canadian heritage proud today, he thought grimly. “I’m having trouble focusing today.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Sheppard snorted. “Is it a PTSD thing?” he asked after a moment, sounding almost worried, Rodney thought. Which was kind of touching, really.

“What?”

“PTSD,” he repeated. “Post-traumatic stress disorder. It’s just, you spaced out when they started shooting at us. You were fine before. I’ve seen it in soldiers before.”

“Oh,” was all Rodney could say to the almost gentle way that Sheppard was talking.  _ Of course _ , he thought. Sheppard had with almost certainty been stationed somewhere with active combat, had witnessed his fellow soldiers getting shot, had probably shot people himself. “It’s not… it’s nothing like that, I promise.”

“Then why won’t you just tell me?” Sheppard was clearly running out of patience. 

“Because it’s a private matter, okay?” Rodney snapped. There was no way he would be able to tell Sheppard what his problem was. According to Carson sex addiction was not a real thing and he had nothing to worry about. Apparently fantasizing about sucking cock was perfectly normal and it meant simply that he had a healthy sex drive. It had been the single most embarrassing doctor’s visit of his entire life and Rodney thought that should say something considering the amount of doctor’s visits he had had. “Carson says I’m fine, perfectly healthy actually. And I’ve had this happen before, during my thesis work, it was a very stressful time and I didn’t take care of myself all that much. The point is, I know what the issue is and I know how to handle it, there just hasn’t been time to do so safely seeing as we just arrived in another galaxy not even a month ago.” 

Sheppard nodded carefully and for a blissful moment Rodney thought he was simply gonna drop the topic and they could wait for Teyla and Ford in silence. 

“Is it drugs?”

“Oh my god! Do you really think that I have a drug problem?”

“You’re dodging my questions, you hang around the infirmary a lot, you just said yourself that you tend to not take care of your body in stressful situations.”

“I  _ don’t  _ have a drug problem,” Rodney said firmly. “Do you really think they would have let me join the expedition if I had had any traces of anything other than caffeine in my blood?”

Sheppard just shrugged. “I’ve seen it happen.” 

“Not on something as important as this.”

Rodney was thankfully spared any more invading questions by the arrival of Teyla and Ford. 

Back in Atlantis Carson gave him a suspiciously thorough post-mission check up, which meant that Sheppard must have said something to him. He sighed and walked out with something against a headache he didn’t have and a guilty feeling for lying to Carson.

Rodney knew that military bases had an established system for people to find opportunities for sex, specifically for men to find other interested men. But with the expedition still being in stages of being set up and the Athosians being in the city it was difficult. The outer parts of the city, where meeting in secret would be possible were still strictly off limits. Rodney didn’t even try to proposition any of the science personnel, they were all way to busy with exciting new research to even think about sex and even then there was the issue that he was basically their boss. 

So Rodney considered the fact that they couldn’t exactly send him home for improper behaviour and that Carson should be able to fix him right up if he got beaten up, and opted for cruising in the public bathrooms and showers around the area that had been designated for the Marines to use. 

By the end of the week he had managed not to get beaten up. Which Rodney was counting as a win. He also had managed to give two blowjobs, both of which left him completely and utterly unsatisfied. The first one had been with a guy who seemed barely old enough to be allowed to join the Marines in the first place, it had been uncoordinated and over so quickly that it barely counted as a blowjob as far as Rodney was concerned. 

The second one had been better in that regard. And it had definitely been rougher, there had been no shy “Is this okay?”s, no awkward “Thank you” after it was over. And Rodney really, really liked his blowjobs to be rough. He liked them to be rushed, edged on by the fear of getting caught. He liked it when a guy held him in place and fucked his mouth, but most importantly he liked, no  _ needed _ his hair pulled, and his hair only, not his fucking ears, for god’s sake.

Rodney glumly slumped against the cool metal of the lockers. They were scheduled to go off-world in just an hour and Rodney was less than confident that he would be able to concentrate enough to get through a mission without messing up. His mind was running in helpless circles. He couldn’t concentrate on anything besides the knowledge that he  _ needed _ to have sex. He  _ needed  _ it. There was no other way to say it. He was fairly sure that he was at a point where the first contact with the people of wherever they were going was going to be Rodney dropping to his knees begging to suck someone’s dick.

And that was not only going to be very embarrassing, it was also probably not going to go over too well with both the natives or the two U.S. Military men on his team. Teyla would probably not be too keen on the whole experience either, Rodney figured, but at least she wasn’t in any position that it would cost him his job. 

Rodney sighed. He needed to go back to Carson, explain that this was very much  _ not  _ a case of having a normal sexdrive anymore, things were out of control. He was officially unfit to go on a mission, he was unfit to work even. He vaguely wondered if there was a way for Carson to write him a prescription for a blowjob. 

Rodney gave a startled gasp when a locker right next to his head was suddenly slammed shut. 

“What the fuck?!” he exclaimed, looking up to see Sheppard smirking down at him. 

“So?” he drawled, “Are we good for the mission later? Are you all… better?” He seemed to hesitate on the last word. And part of Rodney wanted to yell in frustration. Instead he forced himself to take a deep breath.

“No, I haven’t…. I’m not quote unquote better,” he explained. “I’ll ask Carson to pull me from the roster.” Sheppard looked alarmed at that. “For the foreseeable future at least. I should be okay again eventually. I’ll either get what I need or get over the need, eventually, I guess,” Rodney trailed off. He was reasonably sure that he would get over his obsession with blowjobs at some point. He had to. It wasn’t like it was a physical need. The situation was entirely mental. And he knew for a fact that he had gone long stretches of his life without any sex, so he should be able to handle it again. Right? 

“That sounded  _ almost _ convincing, McKay,” Sheppard rolled his eyes at him. “Look…” he settled himself down beside Rodney with a sigh, “Just… Are you sure that there is nothing I can do to help? I really don’t look forward to breaking in another scientist for just a few weeks.”

“Breaking… Oh, very funny. And no, you can’t, you really don’t seem the type.”

“Not the type?” Sheppard repeated, sounding slightly incredulous. “I think we’ve already established that whatever it is, is not, let’s say, strictly speaking legal and I’ve already offered my help. So do you need me to steal a pack of gum to prove that I won’t rat you out to the teachers? That used to be how it was done in middle school.”

Rodney had a moment to realize that Sheppard sounded really annoyed before it caught up to him that he still seemed to think it was about drugs. 

“It’s not drugs for god’s sake!” he yelled frustrated, “And furthermore: It’s nothing illegal! It might be against your military’s stupid regulations, but in my country it’s perfectly legal to do!”

“Okay,” Sheppard was holding up both hands in front of him, clearly trying to communicate that he meant no harm, but it did nothing to calm Rodney’s temper. He really, really hated the U.S. military and their stupid, backwards rule right now. 

“I didn’t mean to imply it was drugs,” Sheppard told him softly. Even Rodney had to admit that he sounded genuinely sorry. “I was just trying to offer help.”

“No, it’s fine,” Rodney took a deep breath. He was going to tell Sheppard and then he was just going to live with the consequences. If a guy was fine with crime chances he was fine with him bein gay were not bad, right? Oh, who was he trying to kid? There was zero correlation between criminal activity and homosexuality. He was a scientist for fuck’s sake. 

“Still, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions,” Sheppard said quietly, not quite meeting Rodney’s eyes as he said it. Rodeny had a feeling Sheppard didn’t apologize much. 

“No, I’m the one who’s grumpy and I just need… I just need… God, I can’t believe I’m actually trying to take the blame here! Clearly my brain is not working at full capacity.”

He heard a soft snort of laughter coming from Sheppard. 

“Oh, yeah. Now you’re starting to sound like yourself again.”

Rodney wanted to feel insulted but Sheppard sounded just too obviously relieved, he couldn’t bring himself to shatter that. Which was, truth be told, also probably a bad sign. 

“Hey, now. I’m not dying,” he reassured. “Just really,  _ really _ horny,” he admitted finally.

“Horny?” Sheppard repeated, slowly. “You make all this fuss because you need to get laid? God, that… Yeah, that’s exactly what you would do. McKay, I can’t believe I need to say this but: Please just jerk off like the rest of us and stop being such a drama queen.”

“I’m not… That’s not... I did that, okay? It doesn’t help. I can think about it all I want, it doesn’t make me need it any less. In fact, it might just be making it worse.” Rodney knew he was rambling, and quite possibly oversharing, but he couldn’t bring himself to shut up. He did not need to hear another person tell him that being horny was normal and to ‘just wank like a normal person, Rodney. Stop wasting time that would be put to much better use in research into all this Ancient medical equipment. You of all people should understand that.’

“Right,” Sheppard only replied slowly. Just as Rodney was about to continue his rambling, Shepard got to his feet. “Come on, you gotta see Beckett. This is either some weird Ancient mess up or just a plain old medical issue.”

Rodney remained firmly seated. 

“I was already there. Multiple times, in fact. He told me to just… well… stick a hand down my pants or find someone willing to do it. Which I’ve been trying, for your information. But what I need is a bit more specific, and that’s proving to be an issue, considering we’re on a U.S. Military base, for all intents and purposes. Which I’m totally blaming on, I don’t know, a glitch of the Pegasus galaxy or was there some weird pre-selection that filtered out all queer people and I’m the only one that inexplicably skipped right through? Seriously? I’ve never had this much trouble finding someone willing to let me blow them.”

Rodney stopped abruptly. “I didn’t mean to say that. I think.”

He held his breath for a long moment. Sheppard was difficult to peg. On one hand he didn’t seem to give too much of a shit about most rules and regulations but if he had a conviction he was sure to stand his ground. So, really Rodney expected him to either shrug awkwardly and bail out of the conversation or to get dragged to wherever they set up their little military holding cell. He did not expect Sheppard to laugh. And not just a small, amused chuckle but a full blown, head thrown back laugh. 

“God, McKay. You really are something else, aren’t you?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“How is it that on a military base, which is 83% male and I’m fairly certain 100% single and horny, you can’t find a cock to suck?”

“It’s not that simple!” he exclaimed. “It’s really not! I just told you that I had very specific needs.”

Part of him couldn’t believe he was really arguing with the interim military leader of Atlantis about blowjobs, gay blowjobs. 

“So you’re a little bit kinky, so what?”

“It’s not… Well, I guess…”

They were quiet for a long moment.

“So, is it like a sex addiction thing?” Sheppard asked finally.

“What?”

“You said you  _ needed _ it, you said you couldn’t focus and it’s clearly impairing your ability to work. You were a mess in the field last week. And I just talked to Zelanka, you were a mess in the lab too, if you even showed up, which you didn’t most days.”

“Fuck,” Rodney said quietly. “I don’t think I realized it had gotten this bad.”

“You told me it happened before. Was it like this too?”

“I… yeah, sort of. I fucked up a whole bunch of research,” Rodney winced at the memory. It had almost cost him his research position and his PhD. Almost. In the end it had only cost him a few thousand dollars to a private escort service. 

“But you fixed it, right?”

“Yes, I fixed it. I got the research done, got my dissertation finished and barely managed to avoid having to file for bankruptcy when the bill for the prostitutes came,” he blustered. 

Sheppard gave an amused snort but stopped short after a moment when he caught sight of Rodney’s face. 

“Wow. Really? Shit.”

“Yeah,” Rodney agreed quietly. 

“So, it’s a sex addiction thing then, right?” Sheppard asked again.

“It’s not,” Rodney told him. “There is no such thing as sex addiction. Trust me, I’ve been to doctors, psychiatrists and self help groups. The doctors usually laugh at you or refer you to the psychiatrists, those tell you it’s not real and try and diagnose you with OCD instead, the self help groups are quite alright though, great if you’re looking for someone to hook up with.”

“So, is it like gambling addiction? You think you have it under control, you only need one win to feel better and next thing you know it’s been three months and you lost all your life savings?”

“It’s… It’s sorta like that, but also not,” Rodney started. “Right so, my brain will get obsessed with, well usually a specific sexual act, and I will go absolutely crazy until I have the exact sex I need. And yes, there have been times where I’ve, well basically gone on a bender. Usually, when it took me a while to get what I needed. Like now, to be completely honest. But it’s always been episodic for me. I need a certain kind of sex, I get it, I’m fine,” Rodney shrugged. “Apparently it’s not like that for everyone. It can be like a gambling addiction for some people, from what I’ve heard.”

“So…” Sheppard started slowly, “if I let you blow me that’s honestly gonna help you get your head together and not be the thing that sends you spiraling?” 

“Yes, yes, that would… wait, what?” Rodney couldn’t help but feel like he was missing part of the conversation here. They had been talking about him being taken off the gate team for the foreseeable future, about how he currently wasn’t capable of doing his job properly. And now he was being offered… offered what exactly? 

“You said you were looking for someone who would let you suck them off, right?” Rodney couldn’t quite place the tightness in Sheppard’s voice. Nervousness? Anger? He couldn’t bring himself to try and figure it out. Sheppard was offering,  _ oh dear god, Sheppard was offering…  _

Rodney was pretty sure that dropping to his knees and unzipping Sheppard’s pants was the right thing to do in this situation, maybe a “Yes, please!” if he needed to say something. But all that happened was that he continued to sit there, staring at the Major with a confused “Umm….” on his lips.

“Ahhh, okay,” Sheppard looked at him awkwardly. “Well, you did say you had very specific wants.”

“I want you to pull my hair and fuck my mouth,” Rodney blurted out. “Umm, if you want to...” he amended, when he caught sight of Sheppard’s shocked face.

“Oh, so you… umm, want me after all?”

“Want you? Yes, of course! Why the hell wouldn’t I?” Rodney’s body finally seemed to have caught up on the fact that he was about to blow John Sheppard and he was already half way down to his knees when he realized Sheppard hadn’t moved yet. “Could you please freak out about the gay thing later? Or if this is about your stupid military rules, I’m not going to say anything to anyone. I’ve done this before, I can be discreet. Now: You up, your pants down! I don’t have all day!”

That clearly startled a laugh out of Sheppard, but he finally moved. His hand sliding along Rodney’s cheek, holding his head in place, not with force but with just enough pressure that Rodney knew not to move away. Then Sheppard slowly stood, bringing his crotch perfectly level with Rodney’s face. The casualness of the motion went straight to Rodney’s cock.

The zipper of the BDU pants in front of him was lowered slowly. He heard the rustle of a condom being opened somewhere above his field of vision but the hand loosely holding his head in place hadn’t moved and he was not willing to risk it being removed by moving his head. 

Finally the pants in front of him were being pushed down, and Rodney couldn’t help but follow the latex that was being rolled on almost immediately with his mouth. He gave a pleased hum as he wrapped his lips around the cock in front of him. The hand on his jaw moved into the hair on the back of his head, giving him a sharp tug that forced his nose flush with Sheppard’s pelvis and the hardening cock deeper into his mouth. Rodney moaned happily. Sheppard would do just perfectly, he thought. 

And then he didn’t think for a while, just enjoyed the feeling of the thick cock sliding in and out of his mouth in a perfect rhythm, the hand on his head, in his hair keeping him in place, pulling him forward to meet the thrusts every now and then, the smell of arousal building in the air and the soft groans falling from Sheppard’s lips. 

Rodney was getting lost in the feeling of it all, his own arousal completely forgotten, he knew he could deal with that later, when he was on his own, replaying the memory of now in his head. So, his own orgasm was so much not on his radar that he couldn’t help the small, startled noise when he did come. He shuddered, his hips moving forward on their own accord, seeking more of the little friction his own BDU’s were providing against his skin. 

He was almost mad at himself when it threw his rhythm off but then Sheppard was gasping and cursing and pushing into his mouth deep and perfect and Rodney felt the hot pulse of his climax. He kept himself still, breathing deeply through his nose, trying to make this last just a few moments longer. But all too soon the hand still buried in his hair gave an impatient tug and Rodney pulled off slowly. 

“Fucking hell,” was all Sheppard muttered under his breath as he lowered himself back down onto the bench. 

Rodney knew that this was the part where things would inevitably get awkward. He knew that he should get up, probably leave and clean himself up, he was going to do that any moment now, as soon as his legs felt like they were capable of sustaining his body weight again. 

“So, how the hell do you give blowjobs like that but have trouble finding guys willing to let you blow them?” Sheppard asked. Rodney knew that it was probably meant to be some sort of compliment but he had heard enough variations of ‘if you were just a bit nicer, better looking, less arrogant, more like this, less like…’ less like himself to know exactly where this conversation was heading. And really he could have done with five more minutes of happy afterglow. 

“Yeah, I’ve heard it before, Major. Well, thanks for the help and all that,” he moved to push himself up off the floor. But before he could get far, the hand on his jaw was back, guiding him until his face was right in front of Sheppard’s. Rodney had a moment to frown and think that this was  _ not  _ how these situations usually went before chapped lips pressed against his own.  _ Oh. _

“Well, until you find someone else I’d be more than happy to help out,” Sheppard offered, softly speaking right against Rodney’s lips. “Just ahhh… give me, maybe, half an hour to recover,” he laughed when Rodney’s hands immediately went for his pants. 


End file.
